5 times a day
i feel the urgent need
to just die.
and i really don't mean it
in the
i-am-suicidal-please-give-me-attention
way.
it always comes to me as a pragmatic,
almost convenient, suggestion.
and i always
take it as a valid possibility,
contemplating the systematic and
logical flow
of how it will be operated:
method, location, what to write
in my parting letter, how my
atheist, new-age funeral will look like..
if you cant help but want to
judge me
i will have you know that
i really don't think i have
a weaker spirit than most people,
and i also believe that i have
been blessed with a good enough life.
i am not unhappy 24 hours a day,
and this is not my juvenile rant.
this is me
coming to terms with my
my overwhelming
inability to like myself very much.
i am awfully aware that
all that i am is 20 years of
bad decisions.
i have run out of ways to
fix the mess that ive singlehandedly
created,
and sometimes i do
feel very tired
to perpetually be on defense mode.
it is also pathetic how
i am so fully responsible for the
tragedy that i am.
i have been too proud to
remove my facade of being ok.
i know that i have not
made good
what i was given.
still
it is never this easy.
because even as much as i want to see
death as a healthy option to
restarting life,
we were conditioned to believe
to see death a negative end.
it seems despicable to
want to die,
especially when we are told that
it is our
basic human instinct to
resist it.
by most calculations,
staging my on death still
runs some risks
due to the ambiguity of
what life after death will be.
i wont be taking action until
i am equipped to make an
informed decision.
till then,
it's back to this silly
tension of struggling to be alive
and resisting the temptation to die.
10:01 PM